Chocobo Dreams
by Mighty Crouton
Summary: For as long as Cid Highwind could remember, he always had Chocobo dreams. - A character study.


**CHOCOBO DREAMS**

_I want specifics on the general idea  
I wanna think what I should know  
Want you to do me what to show  
I wanna see movies of my dreams_

_Built to Spill - "Car"  
_

**Cid Highwind  
**

For as long as Cid Highwind could remember, he always had Chocobo dreams.

Wild, feverish dreams. Dreams where he carried his body long distances across a sea of grass, wings pumping rhythmically as they sought fancies of flight. Taut, well built legs pounding dirt into dust, swallowing the air in careful sips to maintain his performance, head pulled forward in a balancing act between his tail and beak.

He always had them. Even when he was a child, caring for his younger brothers under the shadow of the mountain, taking turns leaping from rock to rock until gravity refused to harness their feet to the ground. Somewhere in the darkness, he was running away, fighting to fly higher than anyone had ever flew before.

As Cid grew up, he tried to figure out those dreams. Like an engineer, he tore them apart and analyzed them with an insatiable curiosity reserved for children and cats.

Maybe those dreams were just a form of nostalgia. Lord knows, Cid Highwind did spend most of his young adult life on a Chocobo farm, cleaning after the beasts and racing them against the girl next door. All freckles and blonde hair, missing baby teeth and a desire to be better than him at everything.

After years taking care of his two brothers, it seemed appropriate to start his life anew as an independent stable hand. Cid was never very good at being traditional. And despite the fact he had all the makings of a talented Dragoon - Good background, excellent health, extraordinary leap, expert manipulation of gravity, thermals and wind currents - doing what was predictable and expected never quite sat well with Cid. Maybe it was that itch. That itch in the back of his head that kept on telling him to go forward, move on, go on, don't look back, just go on. His ambition and thirst for adventure cast him into a net of dreams, until one day Cid simply left his home without a word. When his brothers were old enough, Cid just walked away without a word.

And what if he did say something? What exactly do you tell the people you love that your feelings for them were holding you back? That their health and needs were staying your ambition? What can you say? Words aren't sufficient, at least to a man as sensitive as Cid. People always want to explain everything - explain their feelings, their goals, their desires, their actions... As if everything had an explanation. At least with Chocobos, as attached as you'd get to the feathery beasts, you didn't have to explain yourself. No apologies, no what ifs, no buts. If you came, you came. If you left, you left. There was an acknowledgment. A know how. Cid appreciated that. Sometimes, Cid thought he got along more with birds than he ever did with other people. They never spoke back. They never evoked sensitive topics. And they never, ever hurt his feelings. Maybe that's why he kept having those dreams.

Or maybe these dreams were a metaphor. No matter how fast or how hard his legs would carry him, Cid could never fly. He could never go beyond what his body was capable of doing. It didn't matter that he trained his body to its physical pique, arching across the sky at heights displayed by dragons. It didn't matter that he taught himself how to build low performance planes by studying the birds on his farm. It didn't matter that he was scouted by Shinra after he picked up some part time work as a mechanic in the military. It didn't matter that he received the finest education by Midgar's best engineers, mechanics, and pilots. Didn't even matter when he began to instruct the instructors. Despite all that work, despite all that ambition, all that raw talent, all that skill, all that he could do with his hands and his mind, he could never launch himself higher than anyone dared launch themselves. He could never fly outside the container of this world. He could never breach the silver lining. Even when they gave him a ship and told him to set sail, the only thing Cid Highwind could do was repair the haul and pray his dreams didn't escape one of the ship's many cracks.

Why? Why must he go to such impossible heights? Fame? No. It had nothing to do with fame. Recognition? No... It had nothing to do with recognition. Admiration? No... Titles, rank, popularity matter little to a man whose best moments are spent drinking tea by the fire place while building model airplanes under the watchful eye of a baby chocobo.

No. It was about the principle of the thing. Maybe it was genetic - Dragoons always did try to climb higher and higher and higher in their ascent to the heavens. Maybe it was his predisposition to get in trouble with his curiosity, tearing apart anything that couldn't be fully explained and replicating the model with his hands and a jaunty smile on his face.

Try as he might, Cid was never able to explain the motivation behind his dreams for fear his feelings would be hurt by a laughing crowd. His desire was so simple, it required no explanation. Cid simply had a genuine, childlike enthusiasm for the climb. He just wanted to do it, and he'd be damned if he wasn't stubborn enough that it'd be done. One day Cid would go where no one else had gone. And if they had gone there, he'd go higher. Further. Longer. To see the world as it was meant to be seen - a small speck floating in the vastness of space.

That feeling was worth going to space for. That feeling was worth putting everyone and everything he ever cared about aside. What are they but small specks? What is he but a tiny little particle of dust, floating in space? And one day, he'd get a birds eye view of it. One day, he'd better understand it.

In time, Cid was told to just wait. Put those dreams off for later. It'll happen one day, just not now. There are too many things to do. Shinra is too busy. People are too busy. You'll just have to wait, Captain.

So he waited. And bides his time. And begrudgingly dealt with Shinra in a way most employers who hate their bosses must begrudgingly deal with them in order to get that bonus at the end of the day. Its not as if it was a permanent relationship, the one between Shinra and Cid. He knew the company needed him as much as he relied upon them. It was a fragile relationship, one built on mutual professionalism rather than friendship. Not to say he didn't butt heads with the higher ups from time to time, but what were they going to do? Throw their greatest pilot and engineer out on the streets, into the hands of rival companies who might just as quickly fund his dreams of space in exchange for a sharp, quick airship-building mind? And if they did, who would replace him? What innovative, reckless, bright eyed aerodynamic engineer and skilled pilot could replace him? Not that he was arrogant, but he knew his worth. Still, as time continues to pass, his relationship with Shinra has became more and more fragile. With no money being funneled towards space flights and more energy being focused on airships, Cid is beginning to feel stuck and he isn't afraid to let those feelings show. But he'll keep up holding face. He'd keep on doing what needs to be done.

Still... Regardless... Those dreams were always with him. Wild. Fevered. Running long distances, wings pumping, legs pounding, eyes set on the horizon. Even if he felt trapped. Even if he felt controlled. Lied to. Manipulated. Ruined, perhaps. Those dreams haunted him, and told him to run faster.

So Cid gathered his tools (his mind, his hands, and his Tiny Bronco) and left for Midgar. In time, the president will understand. In time, Cid's mind and body will not waste away in a world that doesn't permit beautiful dreamers. He will prove his worth, prove his love, prove his ambition, prove his desire, and prove his need. He will do all this, because it is the only thing he can do.

He will prove that his dreams are no chocobo dreams. People keep getting in the way of those dreams. Its because they care about him too much. And they shouldn't. So far, Cid feels he has only been a disappointment. And if all goes wrong, why drag down the people you love? Sometimes you need to show them whats best and keep them locked out of the house. Some people call that a martyr complex. Cid calls it common sense. And lord knows, he's tried to stop caring. Doesn't work much when you have the heart of a dreamer. You always care too much. So its best to just run away. Keep chasing those dreams and stay away from the anchors that keep you to the ground.

He still has these dreams.

He tells himself they are no chocobo dreams.

These days, however, it feels more like a mantra. A prayer. A hope. Begging no one in particular.

These dreams are no chocobo dreams.

Chocobos may dream about flying, but I intend to soar.

These dreams are no chocobo dreams.

These dreams are no chocobo dreams.

- fin

_I love Cid Highwind. Underrated character, but so beautiful.  
_


End file.
